Today I have a list for you. A list everyone should remember when replying to job adverts or at interview. Obviously it’s a tongue in cheek look at the hiring process. Having said that, it’s scary how many times the “job speak” below turns out to be a self fulfilling prophecy.
I think we have probably all been taken in by one of the phrases below at some point.
Job Speak
Flexible Hours – We expect you to come to work early and leave late. We will demand you answer calls/emails/ravens etc whether you are at work or not. Also, you better work weekends and/or anytime we deem.
Fast Paced Atmosphere – We don’t employ enough people so get used to working way too hard for not enough compensation.
Immediate Start Required – Our staff turnover is huge because we treat people terribly.
Competitive Wage – We will pay you minimum wage. Frankly, if it wasn’t illegal to pay you less, we would.
We treat staff like family – We expect you to do everything we say, without hesitation, for no extra compensation and not to complain.
Startup Culture – The company has no idea what it’s doing, so you better be able to figure it out on your own.
Challenging Role – It’s so bad here you will be weeping in your car within a week.
Ability to identify problems – We have no idea what we are doing, please fix everything for us, k, thanx, bye.
Unlimited Vacation Time – Hahaha, you really think you’ll get to use any of it? It will never be approved and you’ll be made to feel guilty for asking. How dare you not work yourself into an early grave for us?
Work Hard, Play Hard – You’ll work 60 hours a week. Upper management will do the playing hard part.
Highly Visible Role – Your manager will throw you under the bus, first chance they get.
Entry Level Role – You must have a PHD and 10 years experience. In return, we will give you minimum wage and no benefits whatsoever.
Ability to handle highly stressful environments – Expect to be burnt out in a few years and desperately in need of a therapist.
Looking for a rock-star appointment – We want you to gradually take on everyone else’s workload so we can sack them and save money.
Opportunities for Growth – You’ll either burn out through the workload or turn into a semi functioning alcoholic. But don’t worry, your boss will get a great bonus due to your efforts.
Named as best place to work 20xx – Our in house publication, that we own, voted us as great to work for.
Duties may vary – You’ll be told to do anything and if you complain, well, we all know what’ll happen then.
Free refreshments etc – It’s cheaper to give you something than to pay you what you’re worth.
No forced overtime – You’ll be guilted into working longer hours, but you sure won’t be paid for them.
Ability to Multitask – You will be doing multiple people’s jobs.
Committed to the Role – the last 8 people in this job quit within six months because we treat people badly.